That is my official title. It's not babysitter...or even nanny.
There are seven of them-all under the age of 11...all from the same family
...I am The Kid Wrangler.
Peter is 11
Caroline is 7
Charlotte is 5 and 1/2 [that is a very important 1/2]
the trips-Lucy, Ethan, Philip are 4
and the baby: Beth-is 2.
And they are beautiful, lovely, wonderful children of two very nice, busy, practical physicians.
And they make my life colorful. ....yes colorful is the adjective we will use.
Here are just a few of the things I have learned that now "color" my advice to others seeking employment among the ranks of childcare providers.
1) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
2) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.
3) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
4) The glass in a window (even double-pane) does not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
5) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it is already too late.
6) Brake fluid mixed with clorox makes smoke and Lots of it.
7) A 4 year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even when a 42 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
8) An 11 year old boy should not be allowed to watch Man vs Wild or Myth Busters and take notes. Ever.
9) Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old boy, and a Shih Tzu named Roxy without relative difficulty, but the x-rays still look really cool.
10) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
11) Super glue is forever.
12) And ever.
13) No matter how much Jell-0 you put in a swimming pool you still cannot walk on water.
14) Pool filters do not like Jell-o.
15) VCRs do not eject pancakes even though some tv shows say they do.
16) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19) It takes 5 minutes for a pound of bacon to catch on fire at medium heat on the stove.
20) It only takes 3 minutes if your back is turned.
21) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
22) The fire department in our town has a 5 minute response time. I am on a first name basis with at least two of the shifts.
23) The spin cycle of the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
24) Spinning on tire swings does make cats dizzy.
25) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
26) Pancake batter will kill an African Spotted Gecko.
27) Snakes notice when their cage door is not shut. Immediately.
28) A Reticulated Python can make it downstairs and into the warm laundry basket in less than five minutes.
29) "No, I will not help you count your bullets" and "Put the machete down for the last time" are perfectly acceptable phrases to hear before 9:30am.
30) PVC pipes burst under a surprisingly small amount of force.
31) A broken sprinkler system can flood a backyard in under two hours.
32) Nerf darts sting when shot in the face at point blank range.
33) It takes a stomach virus less than 30 minutes to spread to seven people under the right conditions.
34) One hug is just never enough when nap time is trying to be avoided.
35) Red Kool-aid and ANYTHING else that isn't red is a bad combination.
36) Ginger bread houses stay together better when hot glued.
37) Hot glue causes constipation and mild indigestion.
38) If you put six sparklers, two bottle rockets, and a cherry bomb in a ginger bread house it will explode.
39) If you put six sparklers, two bottle rockets, and three cherry bombs in a ginger bread house you will not be able to find the neighbor's cat.
40) A glider slammed into a 4 year olds chest at the right angle can fracture a rib.
41) It is not a good idea to snipe squirrels off power lines with a shotgun.
42) Squirrel meat looks deceptively like pork barbeque.
43) Squirrel meat does not taste like pork barbeque. Even with lots of sauce.
44) It is very hard to tell the differences between Gerbil feces and chocolate covered sunflower seeds. Very hard.
45) A gallon of hand sanitizer will last about a week with seven kids-supervised.
46) Twin 4 year old boys can go through a gallon of hand sanitizer in about an hour-unsupervised.
47) 3 dozen eggs making a "really cool smacking sound" when slammed against the ground is a legitimate reason to throw them on the garage floor to four year old boys.
48) A four year old girl can punch harder than a four year old boy.
49) A two year old can bite harder than both.
50) Feelings get hurt when your siblings try to feed you to a pet.
51) 80% of the men who read this will try mixing Clorox and brake fluid.
I love the children, I love the job, and I love the stories.
Oh the stories.
I'm gonna mix brake fluid and clorox once I stop laughing.
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